寻找真我

成功的女人喜欢成功的男人,而成功的男人喜欢… 漂亮女孩 ?

我的上一篇博客“中国男人喜欢成功的女人吗”在新浪,人人以及这个博客上引发了上百条评论。感谢大家的评论,把这个话题引向了一个更有趣的方向。

就让我们来谈谈男人和女人?

你们的回复启发我就男人与女人的话题多写几篇博文。就让我们暂时从严肃的职业发展话题中放松一下,一起享受一段轻松的“鸡尾酒时光”吧!

有几位读者朋友在我上次的博文 (中国男人与成功女人)后回复说:

“成功的女人喜欢成功的男人,但成功的男人往往只喜欢年轻漂亮的女孩。”

这真是有趣的发现!感谢你们的这个发现,启发了我今天这篇博文。

这个现象,当然不只是发生在中国男人身上。

理想的女人=内衣模特?

在美国,人们通常用“维多利亚女郎”(注:“维多利亚的秘密”:著名的内衣品牌)来形容一个完美的女人。照片中就是这些内衣模特。

纽约是一个以很多事情闻名的城市,而对于生活在纽约的女人们而言,最有名的一点恐怕是“这个城市没有成功且单身的男士”;女人们常常感叹,“这个城市的成功男人不是已婚就是同性恋”。

我与Dave还在约会时,他有一个男性朋友住在纽约,有次我们一起吃饭。这位朋友看上去什么都有了:高学历,高收入,见多识广,长得又帅, 45岁上下。我于是想象了一下他与我那些同样成功且单身的女性朋友们在一起的画面,她们中有很多也住在纽约。

于是逮着个机会,我就试探道:

“象你这样的男人,肯定有自己的择偶标准吧?什么样的女人你觉得合适呢?”

他答:“七分”。

我很惊讶:“什么”?我以为自己听错了

他说:“你知道的,七分!
哎,Joy,真的需要我解释吗?
10分:维多利亚女郎 —— 这样的女人你一辈子都遇不上。
9分:你能遇到的最漂亮的女人  —— 这样的女人可遇不可求。
8 分:你能遇到的漂亮女人 —— 你也许能跟她约会一两次。
7分:长相还不错跟你般配的女人 —— 你的机会很大。对了,我说的7分是纽约的标准,拿到芝加哥就是8分了。芝加哥的女人到了冬天就发胖。”

这真有意思!他的这段道白激起了我的研究兴趣。我终于碰到了一个现代奇迹:一个纽约的,成功且单身的男人!而且这个男人几乎是不分场合,口无遮拦的坦白!我必须利用这个机会了解更多。

我继续问道:“如果这个女人个性特别好,你会给她加分吗?”

他答:“难说,可能给加个半分吧,最多。”

我:“那她的理想年龄呢?”

他答:“20岁左右吧”。

也许这个男人作为一个样本来说,有点过于直率了,但不可否认的事实就是,大部分成功的男人都喜欢年轻漂亮的女孩。

但这是他们的最优选择吗?

甜爹的经济学分析

成功的男人是不是喜欢年轻漂亮的女孩,跟他们是否会娶这些女孩,这是两码事。从经济学的角度进行分析,往往能让人茅塞顿开。

这是一个纽约女人的征婚广告

我是一个25岁的漂亮女孩(相当漂亮)。我善于表达,品味优雅。我想找一个年薪至少50万的男人结婚。我知道这听上去有点多,但是你们得知道纽约的中产阶级标准是年薪百万,所以我并不认为我的要求很过分…

我是来征婚的。所以请那些有意羞辱的人绕道——我不过是很诚实的说出了我的想法。漂亮女人大多肤浅;我至少对此很坦白。我不会找那些我配不上的男人——不管是外形条件,文化背景,个人教养,以及持家能力。

一个华尔街金融男则回应道:

你的征婚,在我看来,是一个很不值得投资的交易。我来告诉你原因。你说的其它都是废话,你真正想要的就是一桩交易:你的美貌换我的钱财。这没问题,很简单的一件事。但这桩交易里面有个问题:你的美貌是会随着时间流逝的,而我的钱则很有可能成为永久资产…事实上,这么说吧,我的收入是很有可能增值的,而你的美貌却决不可能增加!

所以用经济学的话来说,你是一个贬值资产,而我是一个增值资产。你不仅仅是贬值,你的贬值速度还是递增的!我解释一下,你现在25岁,你可能30岁之前还能保持美貌,虽然逐年递减;但30岁以后你的美貌就一去不返了。到了35岁,你就玩完了!

所以用我们华尔街的话说,你是一个交易股,而不是一个持有股… 问题就来了…结婚?从做买卖的角度来讲,“买你”(就是你要求的结婚)实在不划算,我宁可“租用”。如果你觉得这很残酷,那我这么说吧,如果我没钱了(就像你没有美貌了),我也得出局。就这么简单。所以就你提出的交易而言,合理的方案是约会,而不是结婚。

另外,我刚工作那会学过“有效市场”理论。我很奇怪象你这么一个“善于表达”,“品味优雅”,“相当漂亮”的女孩怎么会找不到一个“甜爹”呢?我很难相信,如果你真有你自己说的那么漂亮,你的“年薪50万”怎么没有来找你,如果不是试用而已。

对了,你其实可以考虑一下自食其力的,这样我们就不用进行这么艰难的对话了。

我希望这些对你有用,如果你愿意接受我的“租用”提议,不妨告诉我。

最后,针对女人想用美貌换取男人钱财的交易,一个清醒的华尔街男人作出了完美的嘲讽。毕竟,是这个女人先提出交易。

改变需要时间。但我个人看好成功男人与成功女人的股市。今天的男人比过去的男人更有平等意识。年轻的男人更有可能娶同龄的女孩。至于那些喜欢追求年轻漂亮女孩的成功男人,我想他们本来就不太可能是成功女性的最佳选择。

你们怎么想呢?请在博文后回复,新浪微博人人网,中英文皆可。

此博客的英文版请点击如下链接.

 

Discussion

28 Responses to “成功的女人喜欢成功的男人,而成功的男人喜欢… 漂亮女孩 ?”

  1. Those single successful women must be quite flattered by your uncertainty about the adequacy of good men!

    Both of your blog posts seem to have placed single successful women in a position that is pretty passive-they are either shunned by Chinese men for shocking capability or ignored by successful men for fading beauty. I would rather look at this issue from the single successful women’s perspective. I think they care about their career as much as their male counterparts. They are also equally picky about partners. If they couldn’t find the “better” half, they would probably go without than have somebody shoddy.

    Maybe they can adopt your New York friend’s strategy too-looking for a 7-point good-looking promising young guy and investing in his potential to be a successful man!

    Posted by Rexy | 2011-04-04, 20:54
    • Dear Rexy: “Shocking capability” and “fading beauty” indeed. Successful women have earned the right to be picky, as you point out. I’ll have to make up that deficit in my next blog post. I like your excellent proposal !

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-04, 21:00
  2. it is my greatest honor to know you at ucla. even though i have never followed a blog before, and didn’t know the meaning of it, but after reading your updated articles and insightful opinions, i have a strong feeling of connection and i think i find the first blog i want to follow in the future! best regards to you and your family!

    Posted by cyy | 2011-04-04, 22:34
  3. For those who want to have a “shortcut” to comfortable and happy lives, especially pretty, young girls, I would urge you to read this blog! Because it is so true! The wall street guy, maybe a little bit bold to say so, but when I asked my male friends for their opinions, most of them agree with the guy! Remember, there’s no “free lunch” in the end, you got to pay off in the end. Think about add intellect and capabilities to your beauty as extra bonus and you’ll win and deserve a good guy in the end!

    Posted by Lynn | 2011-04-04, 22:58
    • CYY: Welcome to the blog; I’m so glad that you find it helpful! Lynn: I agree that young women today are faced with so many choices, and that when it comes to marriage, they need to think about who will make the best partner for life.

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-04, 23:32
  4. I benefit a lot from your blog.Lots of my auquaintances do agree with the New York girl.They want themselves or their daughters to marry a rich guy.I think everyone has a potential to be successful and to have a happy life.

    Posted by Aerial | 2011-04-05, 01:24
    • Aerial: Parents everywhere want their daughters to have a happy life. As the Wall Street guy responded, though, marrying a “sugar daddy” might not lead to a very happy life if the men regard the arrangement as just a “lease” and thus feel free to take on 2nd wives or mistresses. I hope that young women do follow through on their potential to be successful and have a happy life themselves.

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-05, 02:25
  5. WO…The world is same.原来世界大同。Successful male like young girl.
    So how about successful women with good looking and good taste?
    The answer is most of 7 point women will have wonderful life. The guy would like to date 8-10 point women and won’t marry with them. That’s why 8-10 point women will left.This is true.

    Posted by Ellen | 2011-04-05, 05:00
  6. 我看到很多这样的案例,中年的成功男士取了位十分年轻(我觉得“漂亮”这事因人而宜)的女性,这很普遍。所以比起“成功的男人们”,大龄女青年跟让人担心啊!

    Posted by Doreen | 2011-04-05, 06:16
  7. I think those males who favor young and good looking girls are definitely not to be blamed. Even as a female, I could understand their tendency. Just imagine: given other factors fixed, which one will our girls choos? A young man looks like Brad PItt or an ordinary looking people? Pleasure for the eye works for everyone. Yet the tricky thing here is, the pre assumption is “given other factors fixed”. What will be your choice if the “Brad Pitt” share nothing in common with you while the other one seems to be a good fit? At the end of the day,it is all about trade offs. If the young girl has everything you are looking for spiritually, plus a good look, why not go for it? Successful women and good looking women overlap a lot actually. It does not have to be a either-or. And if it has to be, I would love to believe that every man has his own priority, and a successful women can find a man who appreciate her merit for sure.

    Posted by Tina Wang | 2011-04-05, 15:03
  8. Actually in China, as for my friends, it is harder for successful female to find true love, since successful male like young beautiful girl. That’s maybe why there are so many 剩女 …

    Posted by Jasmine | 2011-04-05, 16:46
  9. 成功的女人寻找的是life partner, 成功的男人寻找的是life accessories. 懂得女性价值的男人也不就不会仅仅着眼于外表和年龄了吧?

    第一次留言, love your blog, thanks for sharing:)

    May

    Posted by May | 2011-04-05, 19:30
  10. 喜欢追求年轻漂亮女孩的成功男人,一定不会是一个有追求的成功女人的选择。但并不是所有年轻漂亮的女孩都是浅薄的。她们中也不乏独立自主,有理想,有追求,有品位的优秀女孩,否则将来怎么会成为一个成功的女性呢。那么在年轻漂亮优秀的女孩和成熟成功的女性之间,一个真正优秀的男人会更倾向于选择哪一个呢?

    Posted by Meng Ping | 2011-04-05, 19:40
    • Meng Ping, great insight. I wish that, rather than pressure these young girls to hurry and get married, society would give these young girls the space to first become more independent, and make their own money, as this Wall Street guy advises. I personally am very blessed that my husband Dave did not go for the pretty young girls! Jun, I am with you on elements of a successful marriage!

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-06, 09:32
  11. Funny but sharp story!

    As you said, young men are much more egalitarian than before. Good looking may catch a man’s attention for a moment, but merits keeps him. For many great guys I know, the girl with him is not bad by all standards, good looking, funny, nice personality, and excellent capability, etc. Instead, for a man who only judges by appearances, I cannot imagine him to be a responsible, funny and understanding husband.

    In my opinion, successful marriage is for two people to share fun and to grow up together. I always believe, it is equally important, if not more, for a woman to have her own career to be happy.

    Thank you for the post and wish you all the best!

    Posted by Jun Deng | 2011-04-05, 22:58
  12. I saw an article before saying that when a man is very young he would like a beautiful and sexy girl; but once he is after 25 (or more mature), he would prefer a woman who is suitable for him (even she is not so pretty). I think this is also a good choice:)

    Posted by Yingying | 2011-04-08, 00:09
    • Ellen, what a fun and pretty blog – congrats! Yingying, I hope that it is true that as men mature they look for more equality in their relationships. I don’t blame the young women who look to trade their beauty for comfortable lives. Problem is, I don’t think they fully understand when getting into this situation that being a beautiful wife IS a job, and can be limiting to their ability to pursue their out dreams outside of this role.

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-08, 10:08
  13. Joy
    I actually put up some arguments about this mating economics logic. I agree both sides of the debate because they effectively claim each gender’s mating agenda. however, two points worth to bring up here are the mode engaged by both BigShot and GoldDigger (nevertheless true) and the concept of relative poverty.
    1. males with sufficient (financial) resource are ubiquitously prone to engage in polygyny relationships. no offence to religious ethics, but this stems from human animal instinct. what’s more striking is that females benefit more from polygynous mode than they would from monogamy. most cultures has been criticizing consumerism of female but provided considerable, though varied country to country, ethical tolerance towards male infidelity in monogamy mode. in polygynous cultures, female agenda is to secure access to those few rich kings, leaving virtually all remaining poor males fellow with few marriage options. the glue holding the marriage together under the permanent-transaction mode rather than lease mode is ethics and religion, in some polygynous Islamic countries, female booked in infidelity are prosecute relentlessly.
    2. both sides are unaware of the concept of social poverty. average NYkers don’t get even closer to absolute poverty (no food and shelter security). both genders engage in social competition standard that shouldn’t be applied globally. USD$500k or even USD$5k is considered eyedropping income in most developing countries. Rather, what they are really arguing over is social ranking. i can easily prove the female can live decently and raise 5 kids with no more than USD$500k for entire wifehood. but that’s obviously not the agenda for females in the consumerism world. Money indicates status and happiness, not just livelihood. This female “victim” is convinced that only when she bids a $500k/yr rich guy can she redeem her fleshly value. same thought in poor countries could be a mere $5k for a female to feel superior and achieved. $500/yr can’t be applied globally. but the mating strategy and the concept of “social poverty” is the same.

    Posted by Josh | 2011-04-11, 13:47
    • Josh: Nice points! (1) Cultures do change, and I think that nowadays, many people are looking for more than financial security in marriage. (2) Yes, isn’t it sad but true that we too often just compare ourselves to the people surrounding us who have more!

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-11, 13:58
  14. It’s me pleasure to add it to here as you told me to:
    中国的男性,无论成功与否,确实并不希望他们的配偶(spouse)过分优秀。我是商学院出身的,在我身边的同学,倾向于把理想的配偶称为“内助”,即协调家庭亲族关系,哺育下一代的“助手”,这样她们不应该有着“办公室中的事业”(Office Lady)。我见过较为“开明”的男性同学,给予其配偶的定位是“事业伙伴”,即依附于自己的事业上的助手,这样的例子,在名人之中见于潘石屹与张欣、黄光裕与杜鹃等等。

    然而,我从没见过有人情愿配偶足够优秀,拥有独立的、足够与男方对等的事业。而这种对女性的成功的敌意,表面看来,是以事业来衡量的,而实际原因在于话语权的争夺。古代中国把母鸡发出叫声,宣布早晨来临,当做灾难的预兆(英文:When hen crows, Disaster will strike the family;古汉语:牝鸡司晨,惟家之索)。而同时,中国的文化并不习惯Collegiality,这个文化并没有教会男性如何在女方拥有对等的话语权的时候,仍然以一种欣喜的态度来享受:男性把无法独裁地统治一个家庭当作耻辱(虽然他们仍然深爱他们的妻子。这种独裁与专政或者压迫并无必然关联,因此这是一种Enlightened Absolutism)。

    而很明显,女性在事业上的成功会使得这种Enlightened Absolutism无法进行,缺乏Capacity for Collegiality的培训的男性对此感到极度的恐慌,认为如果女性事业成功,则他们的家庭将充满了不稳定的、自身无法控制的因素,甚至缺少限制女性移情别恋的手段(传统而言,经济和事业上的优势,而非沟通与安抚,被视为最重要的手段)

    而同时,这个社会的另一个事实是:绝大多数的财富掌握在男性手里,这使成功的男性具备避免这种不稳定性的选择能力:简单而言,就是“避免选择事业成功的女人”,因此造成了职业女性的不受欢迎。

    事实上,欧美男人虽然较少有“独裁”的想法,但是对于权威感(或者更低程度地,称为面子)的偏好应该共通(按照我曾经接触过的“霍夫斯泰德的文化类型”研究的结果,欧陆这种倾向应该弱于美国。如果在欧洲的成功女性比在美国更加受到欢迎,那么我的猜测就对,否则就错。)所以即使福布斯的文章,仍然描述了维多利亚女郎比起女强人更受欢迎的情形。

    这涉及到对配偶的定位问题。倘若把配偶当作灵魂伴侣(The Soul Mate,唯一格),那么成功的女性不应该受到轻视,我不认为一个CEO和一个维多利亚女郎的共同话语能够多得使他们成为The Soul Mate。可是,只有当男性意识到The Soul Mate的可贵,并且意识到配偶充当这个角色与朋友充当这样的角色所呈现出来的不同之后,他们的想法才会改变吧。可是如果女性也适应了这样的社会氛围,以放弃事业为代价,追求成为经济实力更强的成功男人的配偶的话,女性也在事实上又反过来强化了这样的社会氛围。

    Posted by Josui Roi(雷煜锋) | 2011-04-14, 04:27
  15. I think it is the human nature that we like good looking appearance. It is a sad reality. It might be true that some men claimed that they are looking for soul mate, but most of the time they think by using only lower part of their body instead of brain.

    Posted by Qian | 2011-09-16, 14:44
  16. 说得好,喜欢和结婚是两码事。这样的区分细微、恳切、精彩!

    Posted by 格兰 | 2012-03-03, 00:15
  17. 昨天一个40岁的所谓成功男士跟我说:女人一定要在自己最好的年纪24-28岁把风光的把自己嫁出去,我笑答:一个风光的婚礼是短暂的,而一个幸福的婚姻是一辈子的。就像此文中写到,美貌会折旧,而智慧、优雅是年龄赋予女人永远增长的财富。很喜欢你的博客,已经网购了你的新书,谢谢你说出了许多我们中国新女性的心声。期待有机会与您交流。
    一个26的中国女孩

    Posted by LIHUA | 2012-10-11, 22:54
  18. 这个华尔街人士错误理解了交易的内容,这个交易的本质是用女人美貌的基因交换男人成功的基因,这两种基因是对等的,这样他们可以拥有优质后代。
    为什么成功女与成功男不是最好组合呢?因为历史上女人不适合繁重的工作,而古代的主要工作就是繁重的工作,那么女人能付出的只有她的美貌了,我们对异性的偏好是历史的产物。从另一方面来说,主从关系比联盟关系更稳定,虽然不是更平等,所以女弱男强的组合更稳定,稳定的组合更有利于子女的成长。

    Posted by xu | 2013-10-17, 00:24

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