如何成为一名领导者

你是在迷失自我还是寻找自我?

Are you losing yourself or finding yourself

这一周,Global人才 一周岁了!人们现在告诉我,这个博客,连同我的新浪微博人人页面,已经成为海外中国学生最常浏览的博客第一名。

我最开始写的博文都与技巧有关,比如塑造个人品牌的重要性职场上升路是否要靠和上司上床铺就以及如何像克林顿总统一样握手。这个博客真正开始起飞则始于我撰写与寻找真我有关的博文。

被压力打败是件很容易的事

读者们给过我这样的留言:

刘倩倩: 他们将我们这一代——80后——称为“橡皮人”。意思是说我们无痛、无趣、无梦,因为我们中的大部分人过的不是生活,而是状况(婚姻状况、就业状况、收入状况等等)。从小开始,我们就被拿去与别人对比,比成绩、比学校、比学历、比收入……我们焦虑,因为我们的所有价值都是由这些数据来体现的。我们更在乎的是别人怎么看我们,而不是我们自己创造了什么价值。所以我们的梦——如果我们有梦的话——那么这些梦很可能是基于外在的相互比较,如相比之下非常聪明,或者拥有一个大公司,赚一大堆钱,而非献身于我们真心信仰的事业。

崔梦阳:从小学到高中,学生们都被要求着学习“标准的”课程材料。我们日日夜夜被老师和父母灌输道:一个成功的未来(也就是进入一所顶尖的中国大学)=  高分,而高分 = 掌握所有“标准的”课程材料!所以所有的尖子生都变成标准化生产的人,没什么特色,也没什么各异的兴趣爱好。

由于我在美国长大,我很难想象你们所有人长久以来是在怎样的压力下生活的。

在美国成长的日子里,我经历过一点类似的压力。我们家大部分时间都在一个保守的华裔美国社区生活。各家父母总在互相攀比谁的孩子进了哪所顶尖的美国大学,谁的孩子为哪个大公司工作, 以及谁的孩子率先结婚。

我如何获得第一份梦寐以求的工作

不要让你过去学了什么、同辈压力或是你父母的朋友的孩子在很成功地做什么引导你的事业。挑选工作时,或只将工作聚焦于你最喜欢做的事时,都要追随你的心。

1991年我从大学毕业。为了逃避那种压力,我只身搬到洛杉矶以求自食其力,尽管我既没有钱也没有关系。

为了立足我努力工作,蜗居于狭小的公寓,吃了许多速食面。一路上并不总是顺风顺水,也没有明确迹象表明我会前途光明;走着走着,我也曾多次怀疑自己不走寻常路是不是个正确的选择。

我有一个梦想,那就是成为一个房地产开发商,为人们生活、工作、抚养孩子提供美好的环境。当时,Maguire Thomas Partners还是一个小公司,但是它正在和全世界最激动人心的建筑师们进行真正有创意的合作。我满心希望能为他们工作。但是,我什么都不是,Maguire不提供实习机会,而且那时也没有互联网将我引进公司的大门

通过调查研究,我发现Maguire有两个高级合作伙伴是USC Architectural Guild董事会的董事,而这个Guild是南加州大学的建筑学院的慈善募捐机构。那算是我进入公司的后门吧。我没钱参加华丽丽的募捐活动,便报名当志愿者。当时没有电子邮件,所以每次活动都需要大量的人力劳动,比如装信封、贴邮票、安排座位等等。我全都做了,而且全都不求报酬。我只求这些活动不出一丝差错,令董事会的VIP们脸上有光。

当然,那些VIP们都不是傻瓜。几个月后,我发现自己在Guild的活动预告中已经是一名正式的“委员会成员”了。做了两年的志愿者后,我被这个慈善机构的董事会聘用。人们大为吃惊,寻思道:“一个年轻的华裔女孩怎么会受聘于这样一个享有盛名的慈善机构的董事会呢?她一定很有钱!”

那个时候,我已经赢得了Maguire Thomas Partners董事会高管的信任,向他们打听公司里有什么事我可以帮得上忙也变得容易了。我就是这样获得我的第一份梦寐以求的工作——公司里的一个项目助理的。

对于许多人来说,这个工作看起来并不怎么理想。我是唯一一个不是秘书的女雇员(也是公司中唯一的华裔雇员),而我的工资也许只有女秘书们的一半。但是我很兴奋,而且决定从这份工作经历中得到最大收获。

要你回归寻常路的压力总是会源源不断

在那期间,我也进入了加州大学洛杉矶分校的研究生学院。在那里,我再一次遭遇了同辈压力。这一次的压力聚焦于毕业后会做什么工作。我当时也考虑了其他职业,甚至还和求职大军一道申请加入大型管理咨询公司McKinsey & Company。McKinsey录取了我,但是经过慎重考虑,我觉得那对我来说并不合适。于是,我还是坚持走自己的房地产之路。

在我二十多岁时,人们多次质疑我的选择。那些人当中也包括我的父母。他们无法理解我怎么会拿了两个硕士学位,却不去拿那个他们希望我拿到、带着我的名字的学位——那个学位叫“Mrs.”

但也正是这个时候,我的故事到达了一个转折点。在房地产业干了十年后,我离开了这个领域,投身政界。

我猜你可能要叫我房地产业的傻瓜

正是在政界以及之后的猎头行业中,我在世界上留下了我的足迹。如今,我在房地产业的事业甚至不再出现在我的个人履历上。回首我的过去,你也许会说我抛弃这个事业,等于是浪费了十年的辛勤工作和两个硕士学位。

但我一点都不觉得那些岁月是在浪费光阴。这是因为我所带走的并不是为了设计人行道宽度以及规划现金流动而投入的几千个小时。对我的未来发展最有价值的东西,是我在那些年中发展的一些软技能:

•  通过在世上走出自己的路培养自信

•  有权力的人们是如何相互沟通的

•   面对问题,如何从许多不同的来源和观点(结构工程学、建筑设计、金融、政治现状)中汲取知识并整合出一套有机连贯的看法

•  如何能不为此时此地的境况(一块尚未开垦的土地)而愁云惨淡,并且能大胆放眼未来,专于长远

•  如何描绘未来的蓝图并将之传递给成千上万的人群

•   如何建立你的个人品牌,让那些相关的令你激动的人想要与你共事

•  如何通过一个名叫善解人意的技能与他人真正地建立联系

所有这些技能都对我的个人成长起到至关重要的作用,而且直接推动我在31岁时被任命为洛杉矶的副市长。这一切也都要归因于我精神百倍地生活,对自己的道路充满激情,以至于我能够放开身心浸润于各种学习中。

你是在迷失自我还是在寻找自我?

作为人性的一部分,我们都向往在白驹过隙般的有生之年舒展拳脚、有志有为。但是,根据他人的期望而习惯性地扼杀自己的梦想也是一件很容易的事。问题是但当你这么做的时候,你可能可以继续行走呼吸运作,但你已经将自己和愉悦与激情的源泉相隔离,也就渐渐和美好生活失之交臂。你觉得迷茫,虽然你知道自己值得拥有更好的生活。这种内心的煎熬会令你为自己而纠结,而这种纠结反过来令你分心,使你无力真正关注其他人其他事——而所有的学习和成长都源于对外在世界的关注。

现在回首,我的20岁收获异常丰富,只是这一切都是无心插柳的结果。

不要让你过去学了什么、同辈压力或是你父母的朋友的孩子在很成功地做什么引导你的事业。挑选工作时,或只将工作聚焦于你最喜欢做的事时,都要追随你的心。发展你的长处,慢慢地你的长处就会显露出来。所以你无需在此时为了找到一个梦寐以求的工作而如此纠结。你在职业中作出的任何选择都不是特别重要的事情。真正重要的是,你是如何从每一天正在做的任何事中学习与成长的。

寻找自我的过程正是创造自我的过程

不要希望在你20多岁的时候找到最完美、最满意的职业。你可以规划几年做那些重要人物不想做的单调乏味的体力活。利用这段时间真正地仔细倾听、观察、实践。因为在“寻找”你的事业的过程中,你真正在做的事情是“创造”一个更坚强、更美好的你自己。

感谢你们给了我精彩的一年

在美国这里,我们有“中年危机”这一概念:过了40岁,我们就要开始思考自己想在有生之年作出什么成就。美国男人对此的典型反应是,买一辆保时捷 抛弃妻子去找一个更年轻更漂亮的女人。我40岁时,开通了这个博客,通过互联网传递一些关于职业的所思所想,但并不知道大家会不会注意我的博客。收到的回报,却远远超过我的输出。谢谢你们的激励、鲜活的想法、精力、热情和爱。

我感激你们能够容纳我在你们的人生旅程中占据一个小小的位置。你们已经成为我人生旅程特别的一部分。

此博客的英文版请点击如下链接.

Discussion

24 Responses to “你是在迷失自我还是寻找自我?”

  1. Hi Joy,

    I LOVE this post so much! I am especially impressed by this part of your article:

    “Now, my career in real estate does not even show up in my bio. Looking back, you could say that I’d wasted an entire decade of slavish work and two graduate degrees on a career that I’ve since abandoned.But I do not consider those years a waste of time. That’s because what I took away was not the thousands of hours I invested in mapping out sidewalk widths and projecting cash-flows.Most valuable to my future were the soft skills.”

    I am wondering that sometimes we are just so eager to get the results, while most of times we could not get the desired results as fast as we imagine. We need to wait, patiently, and work hard all the time, because we won’t know what is the definite coming time of a big success.

    Posted by Yingying | 2011-04-27, 16:46
  2. I’ve been whining about losing the sense of identity for God knows how long. Trying to meet all standards set by others(GPA, Leadership experiences, intern, big-name college etc.) is a frustrating process. Luckily, I finally find something I really want to pursuit after graduation. Hope someday in the future, I could be at the place where my heart takes me.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. This is a very inspiring post.

    Posted by Misha | 2011-04-27, 18:59
  3. Dear Joy,

    Thanks so much for sharing with us about how you started your career. As you mentioned, there’s always been the peer pressure to apply and go to the “big firms” even now. Your advice really shed some light for me about the next steps to take.

    I really like this quote in your blog, “Don’t expect to find the perfectly fulfilling career in your 20s. You can expect a few years of seeming drudgery doing the menial things that the important people don’t want to do. Utilize this time to really listen, observe closely, and practice.” Thanks for the great advice!

    Posted by Lingyi Sun | 2011-04-27, 19:01
  4. Hi Joy,

    I come across with your article very randomly. We are actually alumni. Your article really inspired me in some way. I am now a master student who is struggling for an internship. Indeed, I do not like my major very much, but as your article has mentioned, we are the generation that is comparing and competing every aspects with our peers from the beginning of our education. Sometimes my choices are not made by myself but due to the peer competition. All these things pushed me into this situation now. I have gong through my first part of my life to be the excellent person among my peers. But I did not feel happy at all, because every time I think of my future, I kind of feeling desperate. So in order to attain my highest potential, I worked and studied all the day through out the year. But sometimes I even feel it is a tragedy for myself. I would really like to pursue a life that is following my heart. I have tried to find my heart, but failed at last. Maybe it is because I did not think about this problem at all previously. It is not one problem that can be figured out very quickly. I believe it is time for me to think about this problem seriously now. What would my expectation of my life and my career.

    Posted by Justin | 2011-04-27, 19:48
    • Misha, Lingyi and Justin: I’m so glad to know this post is helpful to you. Please do not stress so much about picking the right path now. The world’s economies are changing so rapidly that any career you take now will radically change over the course of your life, even if you stick to one career path! Your career will unfold over time through the choices you make, but more importantly, how you take advantage of each situation to listen intently and learn. I wish you all the best.

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-27, 19:57
  5. 很高兴又看到您的博文。
    最近恰好因为一些事情,开始烦恼未来、职业之类的事情。突然就想起曾经我的那些梦想,现在想来,有些竟然已经勾不起我的兴趣,但不知道是很久没有接触了所以提不起兴趣,还是真的与那个梦想无缘。曾经在上大学之前想的好好的,摩拳擦掌,十分理性地为自己的大学生活规划的井井有条。但一年快过去了,却不知道什么原因,离那个“理智”的我越来越远。没有时间看书,没有心思思考,甚至,连当初想好的一些实践活动,机会摆在眼前都生生的拒绝。我不想这样,但就是提不起精神去投入。
    您的文章让我觉得我应该要有点紧迫感了,大学再美好,也只有四年,很多东西,虽然是我选择了我就不后悔,但更怕的是那些我没有做过的事情。如果说做错的是一种经验,那为了逃避错误而选择不做的将是我的遗憾。
    有时候,作为什么都没有的大学毕业生,我们什么经验都没有,您的那段经历给了我另外一种方法:不能直接得到心仪的职务(机会),那就曲线救国吧,虽然时间可能会很长,但心中要有打持久战的准备,相信我现在做的这些,是在为未来添砖加瓦,打造一条更完美的道路。
    希望今后能借着阅读您的文字,从这烦扰匆忙的生活中停一停,思考一下,生活本质的东西。
    谢谢您。

    Posted by 牧静荑 | 2011-04-28, 02:31
    • 牧静荑, yes, if you make the time to slow down, think, learn, and especially to enjoy the beauty of life, I think you may find you’ll go farther than if you mindlessly work. I think you’re already on your way, as I clicked on your name and discovered your stunningly beautiful blog! I’m delighted that in this blog community, we are surrounded with such artistic talent, including you, Aki. Let’s not let the noise of society prevent us from achieving our own dreams.

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-28, 09:45
  6. 你太棒了!I love your story! Congrats on the blog achievement!

    I’ve just been wondering about how it was like when people “started” their journey to success, not the success itself. And here comes your article! Very impressive and very touching story!

    The problem with China is that drastic socioeconomic transition brought about society-wide loss of direction (or in sociological terms “anomie”). Many good values are lost, and money and consumption reign…and institutional impediment (e.g. household residence system).

    I did overreact about not finding the “good” job right out of school. Many of us face too much pressure to succeed at a young age, for we are flooded with entrepreneurial stories like facebook etc in the media. But now I realize it’s not the two or three years that matters. I’m giving myself another 10 years to explore and make things happen. 🙂

    Posted by Aki Song | 2011-04-28, 05:01
  7. 陈愉女士,
    您好!我关注您已经一年了,基本上只看不说,但是请允许我给您回一封信。
    我欣赏成功人士,欣赏因为我总觉得自己也能成为这样一个人,有一定的成就,但是又总是渴望用自己的资源和知识去帮助跟多的人,所以我从来不会崇拜或者羡慕,因为我知道有一天我也可以是这样的人。
    这封信的目的,就当一种倾诉吧。我叫蒋剑阳,来自浙江台州,目前在上海一家澳资通信公司,公司很小,但是我留在这里的原因主要是公司的运营模式是国际化的,严谨程度不亚于国际性大公司,而且公司总经理也是挖过来拓展公司业务的加拿大人,经过简短交流我能感觉出我们有很多共同点,所以想跟他学习。为自己的目标做第一步铺垫,我的梦想不是很具体,但是我的快乐来自

    Posted by Arthur Jiang | 2011-04-28, 09:13
  8. You’re awesome!!! You, you, and you! all of you!!

    我也是一直在思考一个Aki提到的“社会迷失”的问题。表现出来,就是全社会的浮躁。也许我们并不愿意成为其中的一员,但是规则已经制定形成,不遵守就要出局。怎么办?

    其实这未必不是我们的一次机遇,能够生在这样一个快速发展、变异、迷失社会的我们是幸运的!因此我们才获得了更多去改变这个社会的可能。

    回过来,我们的社会(中国)与它的counterparts们其实也没有什么质的不同。融入西方“简单,为人,服务社会”等一些社会理念时,我也思考“这在中国可能吗”。现在中国比较火的“名校公开课”,其实大多都是志愿免费翻译的,也有很多人的默默捐助。这些小事也都再一次说明了中国的“可能”。

    我们看到90% 的迷失和浮躁的时候,我们应该也看到那10%的希望和变化。往往也就是那10%的希望和变化,引领了剩下90% 的革命。如果你现在孤独、无助、渺茫,那么想一想可能就在那10%里。

    Posted by JOE 正宇 | 2011-04-28, 20:03
    • Joe, yesyesyes! You are absolutely right. I think all you young Chinese today have the power within yourselves to change the world. Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

      Posted by 陈愉 Joy Chen | 2011-04-29, 09:07
  9. Hi Joy,
    I grow up in China, I can completely feel the pressure in this article. I want to escape however feel it is difficult. Your suggestion encourage me a lot and lead me to a good way to follow my heart. Thank you very much!

    Posted by CuteFatBear | 2011-04-30, 09:00
  10. Many thanks for shearing your growth experience with us.
    For choosing a career, my professor shared three keys with me, and I want to share with you also – interest (without interest one can hardly pursue excellence, and there will be no fun in work); capability (Just like you said, find A+ ability. I love music, however, without years of training, no way I would succeed in any musical instrument. Find out A+ ability and focus on the A+ area will be a shortcut to success); value (the work we do needs to be valuable to the society, so that it will benefit other people and get recognized). I think these three components compose a suitable and rewarding career.
    It was great to meet with you and learn from you. I found reading your posts is such a rewarding experience! I would definitely share it with my friends, who are pursuing their dream but feeling lost in life.

    Posted by Jun D | 2011-04-30, 12:05
  11. Hi, Joy, 很高兴听到你博客访问量的消息,祝贺你的劳动收到了回报。我很好奇,为什么你的付出总能收到满意的回报 🙂
    就像你当时第一份工作,在当了两年的志愿者之后收到了回报,从那之后事业开始走上正轨,之后变得更加顺利。
    从这件事情上可以看出,你非常善于观察,不放过一点线索,从而找到“后门”。
    之后定下目标能耐心而踏实地去一步一步实现,每一步都完成得非常出色,最终积累成大果实。
    也许这就是你异于常人之处,也是最值得我们学习的地方。
    追求梦想每个人都知道,充满激情对年轻人来说也不是难事,大家一开始也都很努力。但是为什么90%的人追梦之路是充满失败的呢?
    我觉得所谓努力不应仅仅是埋头苦干,这样运气不好的话只会在迷宫里打转,在同一个地方不断跌倒。
    追梦的人应该像你一样努力从每件事情中学习,积累经验,找出对策,一步一步扎实地向上,最终到达成功的山顶!

    Posted by 张立松 | 2011-05-02, 21:12
  12. 陈愉女士,你好,从豆瓣的链接看到你的博客。欣喜的发现您的文章都是我一直非常困惑和在思考的问题。从您的文章中,我学到年轻人不应该太功利太急于求成。您和Steve Jobs都不约而同的说到“相信无心插柳柳成荫”的结果。我毕业之后加入目前这家公司一年多,可一直有一种奇怪的感觉:我的职业生涯并未开始,因为总觉得这份工作并不是我真正喜欢的。我也一直在努力的试图从日常的工作中积累点点滴滴的收获,去寻找自己真正热爱的领域。可有时候现实总是逼迫我变得焦躁,无法沉静下来,真正发掘自己的内心。我想请问您,是怎样在20岁的时候就清晰的找到自己热爱的领域呢?可能对于接受传统应试教育长大的我来说,寻找自己和认识自己是最难的。我应该怎么做呢,您能给我几点建议么?

    Posted by Shirey LI | 2011-05-23, 07:22
  13. First, thanks very much for sharing your experience with us. I feel that the most important thing in finding yourself is that you need to believe in what you choose to do and really put efforts in it on the long term.
      From my personal experience, once you have made a decision, you couldn’t go back and choose again. Actually, I just finished my undergraduate. I do have a period of time feeling totally lost during the uni. I was majoring in Information systems. but after 2 years of study, i found that interest is not on the IT industry rather my strength is on doing quantitative analysis. So I want to change my major to finance and economics. I have a difficult time in applying for master in finance or economy because of my background. it’s a big change for me. i need to catch up a lot of maths or econ courses by myself. a lot of my friends don’t understand that Why i didn’t just get an IT-related jobs in Singapore rather spending a lot of money on my graduate study in US. and i got a lot of questions about why not choosing economics in the first place. I couldn’t say I hate Information systems, i see it as a process for exploring myself to find you really want to do. Even IT seems unrelated to econ or finance courses, i am sure the four year of Information systems will benefit somehow in the future career.

    Posted by Irene | 2011-05-29, 21:57
  14. Hi Joy,

    Again, your post is inspiring as always. Well, I’m about to graduate from my college. And I’m thinking about going to grad school. Is it better to apply grad school right after college? Or it’s better to work for a few years to figure out what I really want to do first, and then apply for grad school?? Also, do I have to quit my job to attend grad school? I’d love to know your experience and opinion on grad school education.

    Thank you

    Posted by Yao | 2011-06-10, 14:08
  15. joy姐姐,我喜欢并且会像你说那样去学习做更坚强更好的自己,在这点上我没有迷茫…但我是一个希望让自己的一切在掌握中的人,所以我做事非常认真会很谨慎做决定,但对于自己还未认识到的事做决策会非常优柔寡断,可能错过一些机会,你也说过许多收获是无心插柳的结果,我很困惑自己该如何避免错失机会,又能不因错误的判断给人生留下遗憾呢…?

    Posted by bamboo | 2011-06-14, 05:24
  16. Hi Joy,
    Thanks a lot for posting this inspiring article. I am a fresh graduate and very happy to see what the life path is like for a successful woman who also had confusion and doubts in her early 20s.

    Posted by Lydia | 2011-06-19, 05:39
  17. Joy你好,真的很喜欢你这句话:“你在职业中作出的任何选择都不是特别重要的事情。真正重要的是,你是如何从每一天正在做的任何事中学习与成长的。”因为现在是研究生,做的实验真的是体力劳动,可能限于实验条件的原因,很多耗材都要重复用,都是自己一个人在洗。自己现在的生活可能有时会让自己感到枯燥吧。不过现在发现经常能够有一些情况改善的小突破,做实验的方法也能够比以前有一些改善,也许这也是自己不断在寻找的结果吧:)

    Posted by Tribbie | 2011-07-19, 06:16
  18. Hi Joy:
    I came across your blog by accident… and by fate too I guess. Every word you wrote in this article perfectly fit my struggles. Recently, I am constantly in a debate of whether to continue following my dream or to go back to a normal life that a regular 28-year-old should have, as you said, to gain a degree of “Mrs.” Even though my parents are fully supportive of whatever decision I make, I still cannot make a decision. I started to doubt myself and continuously compared myself with my peers. This almost took away all my courages in facing the challenges in the future. I found myself weak and scared. And your article is definely a wake-up call~ Thank you for talking with us heart-to-heart and helping us find the true self. Your work is priceless!

    Posted by Xing | 2012-11-08, 03:32

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